Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize