Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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