Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
