I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What drink are we having for lunch?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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