Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
