You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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