If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
