You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
