im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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