So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
