We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
