i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
