Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
