You made me cry and you don't even care
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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