Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
