Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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