had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
