the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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