Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
