Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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