My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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