You're my little dorito
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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