The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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