Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
