That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
