my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize