I swear god or herbie drove my car home
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
