How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Randomize
