hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
