I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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