I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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