The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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