at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
