If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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