It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This toilet bowl is my home.
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