you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
