how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
there is glitter all over my balls
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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