I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
