Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
