True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
