I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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