hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Randomize