I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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