I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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