My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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