from now on my penis is your penis
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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