i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
