there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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