He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
