cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
