I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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