Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
