Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
