I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
