I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
