508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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