I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
