Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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