He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
