I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
