Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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