So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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