I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
