gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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