I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
