I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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